Wayward Soldier

I would do anything for my country.

Those are the words I have repeated year after year, for decade. My country needs me, so of course, I would do anything for my country. And it’s rule was simple: do not disobey.

Mother would say the country would allow much, but not dissent. She would teach my sister and I how to think for ourselves while not showing it. She said you had to act in anyway to aid the country but you didn’t have to believe in those actions.

“My darlings, they can take anything from you. And after, they expect you to thank them.” Her voice was often melodic, it seemed to carry a song of loveliness.

“How do you know this momma?” my sister, Catherine, asked.

Mother smiled and tears sprung to her eyes. “You both used to have a brother and a father. Your brother, he helped someone and paid the price. Your father tried to keep us safe after but…the country needed him.”

“They killed him, right momma?” I said, a little younger than I am now.

“Yes, sweetie. He got too angry and showed too much, but you girls won’t do that right?”

We shook our heads and she rewarded us with a strong hug. “When the time comes, you must obey.” Her eyes tracked our faces with a sort of possession.

“Okay, momma,” I said. And Catherine nodded. Mother’s darkness receded and she smiled.

“Good girls.” Her hands clasped ours and she tucked us into bed with kisses and soft pets on her heads. Her warmth carried us to dreams and the smell of cinnamon kept us safe.

The next day, around supper, she came home and packed her things. Catherine and myself had just returned from playing, ready to help cook, when mother was followed by three men in white coats. The front door swung open and she walked toward the dresser. Catherine ran into her legs and held them.

“Momma? where going?” Catherine’s lack of vocabulary hurt to remember. She spoke the words I wished to but had to hide. The men watched my sister.

Mother knelt down and pet Catherine’s baby hairs away from her face. “Momma is needed elsewhere.”

Catherine whined, “No! Momma here!”

The men started forward as Catherine hung off of mother. “Let go, child. She is no longer your mother.”

My mother sighed and set her youngest daughter down. “Kip, mind your sister.” She waved me over. I put my arms around Catherine as she whined and struggled. Mother stood and caressed my cheek. “I love you both.”

The men strode forward, “Enough. Your love is for the country.” Their weapons raised. Their voices lacked sound, as though it came from the air itself.

I spoke, “For the strength of the country.” The men seemed to relax, and then replied, “May it’s love be eternal.”

Mother finished, “And it’s power everlasting.” And cupped her hands in supplication. The men bowed their heads and I followed suit.

I felt Catherine shift and ready to yell. In a panic, I turned her into my shoulder and she thankfully nestled. But when mother crossed the door with the men, my weak arms could not hold her as she kicked out and dashed after.

My legs got there faster and I tried to pull her back as she wailed. The men stopped and one stepped forward.

I lock my arms around her as he continued to approach. “Please, she’s too young to understand.” I pleaded. Mother attempted to help but the other men held her aside.

“If she does not understand, then she never will.” Something dropped near us and tears sprung when I saw it. “No, please, she will learn. She will! I’ll teach her, just please, not that.”

His foot nudged the gun nearer. “No exceptions. Comply.”

I shook my head and squeezed Catherine tighter, her noises had ceased and she shook in my arms. She may not understand but she knew what the weapon meant. The man grabbed Catherine and pulled her away. I crawled after but a swift kick to the face stopped me. My mouth throbbed and I cried out. I heard mother struggle against her captures. “Please, it is a hard lesson but they are learning, let them see me off and they will comply!”

The man’s face did not change, nor did his tone, but the words seemed angry. “The country needs you, not your children. What can they give that we cannot make? No, I think it will help your faith in the country.” He bent to take the gun but I drug my fingers into his wrist.

“I’ll do it.” I watched mother’s face close.

She nodded and said, “obey.”

I could see from the corner of my eyes as I raised the gun and took my shot while keeping my eyes on mother. In the end, mother was still swept away and the man retrieved his gun.

It was a painful lesson, losing both of them took a lot of thought. A lot of reworking and lies. I told myself mother was fighting against the country and that Catherine went with her.

So, when my colleagues displayed unwanted behaviour, I wrote them a letter in unfamiliar font. “Please cease listed behaviours in public, eyes have found you in their sights. For the fall of the country.”

It was a risk to sign it off as such, but I have spent a decade biding my time, “We must obey.” But we will be ready.